The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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