I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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