apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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