So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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