If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
