Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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