I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
