so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I love having hate sex.
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yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!