First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I want is dick and wine.