my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.