I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess