you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
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Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!