I think I won the penis lottery.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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