I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
