I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
