these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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