why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
