seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
