Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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