You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
