I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
