Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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