Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
