This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
