something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
