Someone shit on the floor
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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