Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
