i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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