I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
