Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
