dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
