We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
