Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
