I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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