You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
