I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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