But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
