You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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