I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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