Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
