Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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