I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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