Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
