Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
