she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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