Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
