shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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