my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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