Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
