They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
