oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
