Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
