Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
