my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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