SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
