you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
