I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Randomize
