Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
