do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
