The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
