something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This is my gift to your gina
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
