Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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