New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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