Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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