It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm really busy with my period
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