If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
