Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
