yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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