Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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